Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
And then my night got REAL pukey
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
