tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You are the jesus of drinking
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
