the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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