I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
