If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
