I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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