Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
