I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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