My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
