we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
