clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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