Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
there is puke in my bra ... again
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