i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
