I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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