every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
two words: eviction party
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
