when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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