I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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