hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
