I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
