Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
