The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
