I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
