He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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