she woke up with a sticky ear
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
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