Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
