you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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