no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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