You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
