once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
My pussy is not your playground.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.