ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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