if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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