I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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