i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
