I like to think it a success when the cops are called
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
