halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
