the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
