I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
