at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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