I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
