Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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