WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
