just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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