Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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