Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
