Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
