Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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