The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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