You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
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So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
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Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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