It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
