i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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