Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
