Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
