That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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