please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
