textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
