Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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